The date did not alarm me, in fact the date never has. I have actually seen Friday the 13th as a very interesting day, very curious to the idea that bad luck is lurking around ever corner. I never seen it as bad luck but just a sift in energies. A little eerie perhaps but I never woken up afraid to face the day that most considered dooms day. But this year this day has finally showed me why it could be the worst day ever.
I started the day with very high spirit's my daughter was going to be spending the weekend with me, I had us set to volunteer at the color festival at Gibson Ranch Saturday, Church on Sunday with a super mega breakfast, to top it off I had bought Sy'raia her first cell phone (Tablet too!!) So you see I was over ecstatic to have the whole weekend with me and baby.
Now here is some of the history with my daughter
1. I struggled from the moment I found out I was pregnant with dealing with my place as a mother
2. I was very afraid I would end up like my mother, & I thought I could not be a good mother for I came from one that did not know how herself
3. In the beginning I felt it was better that she did not have me, afraid I would hurt her.
4. I was numb to even having a child, I did not feel no connection, no mother instinct, no nurturing bone. I was dead inside
5. I got her from Long Beach in the end of 2006, previously she was living with her biological father
6. My father has been her guardian since middle of 2009 till 2012 due to what I now know was a manic episode (I left with no word of where I was going and did not contact anyone for several months)
7. 2013 I moved back home after my breakup and suicidal attempt, it was just her and I in a small bedroom. I was horrify!!!
8. Needless to say, something magical happened.
9. We BONDED!!!! we laughed, we played, we became so affectionate towards each other. She loved me unconditional. She still LOVED ME like I never left her
10. I began to want to regain my parental duties
11. I did the things that I never fully committed to like getting her ready for school, helping with homework, attending teacher conferences, attending her events, & most of all teaching her about life
12. The Lord has opened my mother instinct and I for the first time have fallen in love with the girl I given birth to
13. It took me 9 years but I found the piece that was missing
So now that you have some history of the past relationship with my little one now I will tell you some history of the relationship with me and my father
1. Parents divorce when I was 12, father struggled with a drug addiction most on my life
2. When I was 18 we re-established our relationship after being gone in my adolescence years
3. 2006 I moved to Sacramento to try to get a grip on my life
4. My father has been a huge help when it came to rasing my daughter, and he has tried to help me with gaining control of my life
5. Little did he or I know my bipolar disorder was becoming worst
6. Needless to say the illness has formed a huge wedge between us due to the disappearing, poor money management, bad communication skills and the list goes on
7. After my manic episode in 2009 that pretty much killed any real connection I could of had with my father. We hardly spoke or seen each other
8. There was a tiny glimpse of hope when I was attending fashion school and he in school for music, we bonded over our passion for learning and creativeness
9. But all that went out the door when I moved back home in 2013
10. I never got a grip on my bipolar even after being diagnosed in 2012 so I was unable to control the mood swings
11. February 2014 I fell into the worst depression I've ever experienced, that was the end of our relationship and from now on I was an outcast (he has not nor chooses to understand what I fight with)
12. So when you have someone that does not understand, they can often times become the trigger that sets up into manic or depression
13. He sets my depression, and now I am about to be faced with a custody battle that scares me to death
Now back to the story....
Because I have limited communication with my father (I had to it only caused me to spiral) I depended on my siblings to be the mediator for us to talk about my daughter. I had express numerous times that I have to get my health in check before I can have her move with me permanently. I explained that I have doctor appt set up and if we can arrange for her to stay until at least after my first 2 appts. that would help me tremendously. Well obviously that was going to be a problem as my father was ready to retire from taking care of her, which I 200% understood. He has bent over backwards to do the things that I could not do previously, even when battling with cancer he was always there for her, and I could never be more grateful for the sacrifices he has made. He was my hero, but only if he really understood that I was thankful for this help.
So I have to say that I did become a little panicky. I just moved on my own, I was still at my job after missing large amounts of days, and I was just getting over the sever depression I had a month back. I was afraid that I was 1. going to relapse 2. fail 3. lose ground. I of course could not express this to anyone in my family as again I have ZERO support when it comes to my mental illness. I start to second guess myself shortly after, I am being stupid? selfish? She is though my responsibility, Do I not care? What will happen to us?
But my sister came through and asked our mother if she can keep her for the summer, I have to say that I was relieved even with my ill feelings I have towards my mother. False hope is the worst feeling you can give anyone. I rather just know the real from the start. So it was confirmed Sy'raia would be leaving to LA in 2 weeks and she will return when school starts, enough time to regroup, focus on my health, and try to build some savings.
Well that changed on Friday the 13th
Apparently nothing that I've been communicating with my sister was getting communicated to my father. So he was under the impression that my daughter was moving with me on the 13th. WHOA!! STOP RIGHT NOW!!!!
I have no child care lined up, no one to care for her during working hours, no money I have spent every penny to move in so I was still trying to recover, so that meant I had no way to stock on food to fed the two of us or no money for transportation. Admittedly I start to have a panic attack right there with my sister and daughter and a car full of her things. I PANICKED!!!!! I ask to dismiss myself because I felt it coming and all I wanted to do was get out of sight from Sy'raia so she didn't see the hyperventilating, the crying the shaking... etc I just could not have her see the disease not like this.
That lead to an unfortunate spiral of an all out psychotic episode that ended with my manager, security guards, and sheriffs at my home. I black out and attacked anyone that was in my way (holding knifes did not help this situation either) All the time I was having this episode not my father, sister, or brother was there to help me. They just left me there to try to pick up the shattered pieces. Only one true and faithful friend was there YVETTE TORRES. I had to go to the hospital to check my finger that I accidentally cut in the episode and as I came out of it I was just shell shocked. lost, confused, scared, alone, shook up, and most of all HURT. I came back home that morning and all I could do was cry, my new home ruin with these new horrific images, I could not stop my mind from playing the evening over and over. I could not sleep, I could not be alone, I was becoming mute and I was losing ground.
What started out as a fun loving unforgettable weekend ended in a horrible unforgettable day.
Friday the 13th will be the worst day for me